Moving On

May 05, 2013

A confession: I can’t look at my graduate friends’ Facebook pictures without getting sick with anxiety. That will be me in one year. I am graduating from a university in one year, and I am terrified.

Terrified because I’m not ready for that stage in life. Terrified because I don’t want to stop going to school. Terrified because many of the people I shared memories and my heart with won’t be there next year. I may never see them again.

And soon, I’ll be that person, the one who moves on. I hate that idea so much that it makes me physically ill to think about it.

When I was a kid, I didn’t dream past college. I imagined what elementary school would be like, then middle school, then high school. I imagined what the first years of college would be like, and then I just stopped. I don’t know why. I just stopped thinking about what happens next. I don’t know if I thought that college would just go on forever or if I thought that I would get married — truth be told, I never thought I’d get through college before getting married, however laughable that may seem now — but I just stopped imagining.

And now it’s real and now I don’t know what I’m doing and now I feel like one of Heavenly Father’s weakest children because I’m struggling to have the faith to move on.

I hate leaving. Detaching. If you knew my history, you’d realize that a good 60% of the music I listen to comes from people who left. And because I don’t want to leave them entirely behind, I listen to the songs that made them who they are. I lose myself to chase after shadows.

How can you face the future when all of the faces of the people you’ll leave are right in front of you? How can you grow up when you feel so like a child?

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what I’m supposed to become. All I know is that this is real life and no matter how much I thought I was prepared for it, I never was nor could be.

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