I GO BY ARI

Big Fear

March 03, 2014

What are you afraid of? 

My answer to this question has evolved several times throughout my life. In elementary school, I would have said getting called on in class. In high school, I would have said leaving all of my friends behind. As a freshman in college, my answer was the future. And as I’ve gone to school and grown into a woman, that answer has been sort of elusive, found in quite a few things. 

_Being on the KissCam. _

Heartbreak.

_Graduation.  _

Vulnerability.

_Singing karaoke.  _

_Pain. _

_Being alone. _

_Failure. _

With a little more clarity now, I think the thing I fear the most is that I am not and will never be enough. I worry that I’ll never be enough for a future employer, that I’ll never be enough as a student; I worry that I’ll never be enough in the callings I’ve been given, and that I’ll never be enough to the men I date.  

I am a perfectionist living inside of a body and a heart and a mind that are far from perfect. And I am so cruel sometimes. 

You didn’t get the job because you’re not good enough of a speaker, Ari.

_You didn’t get the grade because you didn’t do enough work. _

_You’re not magnifying your calling like you should be; you’re not doing enough. _

_He stopped dating you because you weren’t smart, beautiful, fun, or good enough. _

Everyone falls short at some point, but for me, falling short is incredibly and personally painful. I don’t know how to compensate for shortcomings like I should, and a lot of times, I feel like I’m to blame for them.  

How does a person become “enough”? How can you apply the Atonement in a way that gives you no doubt that, yes, you are enough? 

I think I know, but when I have to ask myself the same questions, I wonder.

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